the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
