Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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