every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
