he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
we're so committed to being not committed
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
