Small penises have feelings too.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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