Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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