Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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