Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
