where am i from again
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
