Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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