I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
