I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Drunk is not a location!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
