Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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