He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
