i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
