Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
