you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
