Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
