I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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