Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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