woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
