Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
