There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
