I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
