I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
