Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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