My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
