New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You ruined the universe
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
