I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
