peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
