i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
