Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
