be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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