He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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