Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
