i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
