i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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