Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
