so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
