dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
