Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
