i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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