His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
