its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
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