Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
