I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
