She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I need to align my fucking chakras
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
