John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
