A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
