I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
