She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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