no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
