you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
