yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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